High Achiever's Edge: bipolar disorder

Showing posts with label bipolar disorder. Show all posts

Monday, January 2, 2017

Dressing Down My Hubby

READER QUESTION: “Dear Jinnie: My husband and I are not speaking right now. He made a risky financial move I repeatedly warned him wouldn’t work out, but he did it anyway and now we are in the red. When I tried to discuss it with him, he said he is tired of me dressing him down and embarrassing him to the point where he doesn’t even want to communicate with me about important matters. What am I doing wrong? He shouldn’t be mad that I tell him when he’s wrong or point out what could be a dumb mistake. Isn’t that what a marriage is for? Or does he have a point?”– Signed “Truth Hurts”

Dear “Truth Hurts,”

I am sorry to hear about these issues with your spouse. I know it must be difficult to be in a position where you two aren’t even communicating. Without knowing the full extent of the financial issue or seeing the dynamic in person, I’ll do my best to offer some virtual couples counseling. It sounds like you may have bruised his ego, and while you feel justified, this scenario clearly didn’t pan out the way you planned. To speak more generally and help you, plus other women in this situation, here are four factors to consider when interacting with your husband for next time. I also added some coping strategies for good measure:

1) Loyalty is key. Let’s be clear, standing by your man when he is unemployed and looking for a job is different than standing by Jerry Sandusky (may he continue to rot in prison). Loyalty is about being on the same page and going through the good and the bad struggles in order to build something … together.

To improve the connection and loyalty in the relationship, try the following: a) Talk about your dreams; b) Come up with a plan; c) Identify the circumstances that will cause the plan to change.

2) You must always offer support. To put it bluntly, you may have emasculated him in your exchange. Calling him or his actions stupid (even when he does something that falls short of intelligent) isn’t nice and it takes away his confidence – just like it would you. Let him take the lead in those areas that are important to him and respect him as your partner. This is important because you want him to let you take the lead in the things that matter to you, right?

To be more supportive, try the following: a) Let him know when he’s done something well; b) Acknowledge his efforts; c) Reassure him that it will work out and you believe in him, even if that means changing course.

3)You gloated about being right. This goes out to all the ladies out here who have enjoyed that “told ya so” glow. Most of the time you are probably right and the man will know you are right; however, you don’t have to rub it in his face and remind him of it. Your place is as his partner–not his mother or math teacher. If you want to be treated like his partner, then act like one.

Try the following: a) Listen without interruption. Placing your index finger over your lips is a good way to remind yourself to shush; b) Notice your tone of voice. Sometimes, it’s not what you say that makes listening to you difficult, it’s how you say it; c) Ask clarifying questions. The Socratic method is awesome and practically fail proof! Yes, this is practiced faithfully at my beloved alma mater.

4) Let him fail. Men need to try and learn for themselves what worked and what didn’t work. Men are proud and it is important that women don’t take that from them. Now, there is a difference between a healthy sense of pride and narcissism. Healthy pride moves you to try and believe in yourself; however, it also has a fail safe switch that says, “you’re in over your head, get humble and get help!” Narcissism is unhealthy because it says you are right and everyone else should be willing to suffer to make your, often unrealistic, dream a reality. Narcissism has no place in a relationship – period. Know the difference between the two.

For even more education, I recommend a video that Redd Velvet created that offers advice on how to be good to your man. I like her words of wisdom. Watch it below or click here.

I hope you found this helpful and as always wish you pleasant journeys! With love and light …

Jinnie

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

5 Signs that You Are Defensive

Have you ever been defensive? Even if you don’t think you have, chances are you have been. Everyone has a set of defenses – and we should. Being defensive occurs when you experience stress and simply means that you are psychologically on guard and ready to protect yourself from mental or emotional harm. While there are many reasons why your defenses were created, their ultimate job is to protect you.

Your defenses are typically created out of necessity at various points in our life-usually childhood. Defenses kick in to tell you when it is safe and unsafe to be who you truly are – and that can be a good thing. However, when you get older and your experiences become diverse, your defenses can become outdated and cause trouble in your personal and professional life.

In order for you to function adequately as you grow, your defenses must “evolve” to reflect your current circumstances. If you don’t evolve your defenses, then you risk understanding and responding to current situations the way you did when the defenses were created and that can be 20 years ago or more – YIKES! That is a huge mistake.

Let’s use this oversimplified example: A 7-year-old sees her brother being spanked for telling mom that he accidentally broke the vase. The 7-year-old is afraid of the same thing happening to her, so she avoids telling the truth. Now, this does not mean that she begins to lie, although it could result in such behavior. As she gets older, when faced with being honest she tries and learns how to effectively change the subject, point out other issues that do not involve her, or becomes nervous when confronted. These are all types of “defenses” that can hurt instead of protect her as an adult because she is responding to similar situations as if she were still 7 years old.

So how can you tell if you are being defensive? Here are five signs that may help. Ask yourself, “Do I …”:

1) Keep threatening ideas, feelings, memories, wishes, or fears out of my awareness by doing things like displacing, disconnecting from, intellectualizing, and repressing them.

2) Distort who I am, my body, or other people so I can regulate and/or maintain my self-esteem in minor ways. This is seen when people devalue or idealize others, for example.

3) Keep unpleasant or unacceptable stress, impulses, ideas or responsibility out of my awareness by denial, projection, or rationalizing.

4) Grossly distort who I am, my body, or other people by substituting real relationships with a fantasy in order to avoid conflict or by making others feel the way I really feel.

5) Act out, withdraw or become passive-aggressive when I feel stressed.

If you answered yes to at least one of these statements, then you can be defensive. Again, being defensive is quite normal and functions in an effort to keep you safe; however, if it begins to impact your relationships and career, then you want to seek help to get you to a better space.

Evolving your defenses is actually easy. With my clients, it usually takes three to four sessions with my clients doing hypnotherapy, RoHun, Yhandi and maintaining their progress on their own using their customized guided meditations. If you are unfamiliar with guided meditations and would like to learn how to relax, you can download a free meditation here.

HEALTHY DEFENSES:

When your defenses are healthy, the following behaviors are what will present themselves more than the ones listed above: anticipation, affiliation, altruism, humor, self-assertion, self-observation, sublimation, and suppression.

With love and light …

Jinnie

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/5-signs-defensive/#ixzz4UIVZ7iBd

Affluenza is Not a Disorder

How to deal with entitlement

As a mother, I was devastated at the verdict in the case of Ethan Couch, a Texas teen, who killed four people while driving drunk. As a clinical psychotherapist, I was appalled that Affluenza (which is NOT recognized by the American Psychiatric Association) was even humorously considered as a legitimate defense. I work with a significant number of ‘affluent’ individuals and families and this is ridiculous.

Affluenza is not a disorder. In sum, my re-framed definition of affluenza is the pressure to be socially accepted, which should have ended shortly after college. These are people who are empty/lack self-esteem and try to feel better by buying things that make them feel alive, special, wanted, or loved. Their sense of entitlement is eerily high and the feeling of empathy and remorse is practically bankrupt. In fact, anything that doesn’t go well for them is typically – wait for it – someone else’s fault.

Lack of self-esteem is hardly a disease; it’s a developmental phenomena that indicates one does not know, has not identified or believe in their own ability or self-worth. These things can be learned and are often taught by our caregivers when we are children through appropriate mirroring, conversation, encouragement, and setting limits (aka discipline).

Now, can one be so damaged that they will never develop self-esteem or the ability to empathize with others? Sure. We call those people psychopaths. With this said, if this kid is indeed suffering from ‘Affluenza’ there are a few sentences that the judge could have chosen to enact justice. Here are a few that comes to mind:

1) Place him with his peers – I believe they can be found in juvenile hall and then later transferred to prison. He will have an opportunity to connect with other like-minded individuals who also felt empty inside and lacked direction. For many of them, part of their emptiness also came from not receiving enough attention, structure, and consequence.

2) Put the parents in jail. I mean – the defense’s case was, ‘It’s the parent's fault,’ no? With all of that money, I’m sure they could have afforded therapy for themselves or their kid once there were problems, right? The unwillingness or inability to do so means they are just as liable for the deaths of the people their minor child killed.

3) “You work it out or you sit there until you do.” I believe that’s called a time out. Let them all share the smallest cell is the darkest corner on the cell block so they can work out their problems the good old fashioned way. Why should four people die because of your normal family “I HATE YOU!” problems? What family in America doesn’t hate each other?

4) Take away their money until they learn how to handle the pressure that comes with it. It is long noted that once a stressor is removed, healing can occur. Once the healing takes place, the stressor may be reintroduced slowly so there is a healthy response to it. This is called behavior modification. This may seem a bit extreme to some people but I redirect your attention to the four dead people that are unable to speak for themselves.

Anyway, this is my take on one of THE most unreal cases, defenses, and verdicts only topped by the Zimmerman outcome this year.

I hope that we all learned how important it is to parent our children and help those parents who are struggling take responsibility for stepping up. Last but not least, I hope we begin having deeper conversations around the importance of mental health – for everyone.

What do you think about Affluenza and this case? Do share in comments below.

Jinnie

Bipolar Disorder: What Is It Exactly?

Bipolar disorder affects at least 2.6 percent of the American adult population and has been receiving a significant amount of attention over the last five years – especially in the African American community. While Bipolar Disorder is still under diagnosed in African-Americans, there has been a sharp rise in the public sharing of bipolar diagnosis in prominent African-American professionals and celebrities including: Chris Brown, Jesse Jackson, Jenifer Lewis, and Maia Campbell.

While it is possible to live a healthy and emotionally balanced life with bipolar disorder, the harsh effects of the disorder are still present and should never be underestimated. In 2013, the impact of bipolar disorder was felt when acclaimed cook Josh Marks took his life at the age of 26.

There has been a sharp increase in wanting to learn more about bipolar disorder within the African-American community and this blog is dedicated to helping raise awareness. This is best done by consulting with and learning from a licensed clinical social worker, a clinical psychologist, or psychiatrist, or other licensed clinical mental health professional.

First, it should be understood that bipolar disorder is not a single disorder; it is comprised of three main categories that make up what is called, the bipolar spectrum. These three diagnoses are: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and Cyclothymic Disorder.

In Bipolar I, an individual must have at least one manic episode that last at least one week. Manic episode are often felt as being in a state of excitement, excessive happiness, thoughts that come so quickly you may be unable to keep up with them, engaging in reckless behavior like unprotected sex, and inflated self-esteem or sense of superiority. The individual also experiences depressive episodes where they feel sad, irritable, loses interest in things he or she once had pleasure experiencing, sleeping, eating, weight loss/gain of more than a 5 percent change, and recurring thoughts of death or suicide. In this diagnosis, the individual experiences a few more depressive episodes than manic episodes.

If left untreated, a person usually has erratic cycles that fluctuate between depression and mania; however, the depression is experienced more often than the mania.

In Bipolar II, the mania is a lot milder and is referred to as hypomania. Hypomania can last for an extended period of time and is often mistaken for typical ‘happiness.’ The difference here is that the depression is very heavy and experienced more than in Bipolar I and is often mistaken as and diagnosed as depression.

In Cyclothymic Disorder, the depressive symptoms do not meet the full criteria of major depression and the hypomania (in bipolar II) alternates more with the depression often.

Secondly, proper treatment for the disorder is key to managing the disorder and its risks associated. While many people feel comfortable consulting pastors, teachers, and friends it is important to understand that only a licensed clinical mental health professional is able to diagnose the disorder and provide proper treatment. While medication is part of the treatment, ongoing psychotherapy is strongly recommended to help the patient manage the symptoms, reduce risks associated with the disorder, and live fully. I have personally found that heart centered hypnotherapy and RoHun are excellent treatment modalities!

Thirdly, it’s important to shatter the stigma of mental illness. While African-Americans struggle with the stigma of mental illness, they are not alone. Many cultures attach stigma to mental illness and it is costing us the lives and health of our loved ones. Please know that having a good psychotherapist is key not only to treating mental illness, but also to managing one’s emotional wellness.

In fact, a number of successful professionals seek the support of a psychotherapist to ensure they are maintaining their emotional wellness. The reality is that if one does not address issues as they arise; the cumulative effect of those issues can result in conditions like depression. You may not need to go in every week but having a therapist on call to maintain your mental health and work through issues as they arise is worth its weight in gold.

As always, I hope this was helpful. Please share this with others, as you never know who could benefit from learning.

With love and light …

Jinnie

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/3-common-bipolar-