High Achiever's Edge: healing

Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Healing During the Holidays

READER QUESTION: The holidays are coming up and my friend was supposed to visit her mom’s family for Thanksgiving. She just found out that an uncle who molested her was recently paroled and will be there for Thanksgiving. Many folks on her mom’s side of the family took up for the uncle instead of her. He was sent to prison on an unrelated charge. Her family is telling her to let it go and come for the holiday. How does she deal with her mom’s family and the hurt that comes with it? Signed, Unequipped friend

Dear Unequipped Friend,

The holiday season can stir up ghosts we thought were long gone. But, when they return, the way we choose to handle our past can lead to more pain or healing, especially during the holiday season.

What you present is a very heavy and loaded scenario; however, you can still help your friend make a decision and support her. First, try to help her determine what she thinks is in her best interest. Second, allow her to make the final decision; and third, support her either way.

In situations like these, you want to remain as objective and supportive as possible because, believe it or not, this is part of how your friend will heal. She will have to make decisions regarding her perpetrator and family as well as deal with feelings of betrayal and self-doubt.

It is difficult to know what your friend’s experience will be like and how you could help her with the process because each individual’s journey is unique. With that said, here are some general tips to help your friend deal with the hurt and or confusion she is experiencing at this time:

1) Remind yourself that this is part of the process. Healing from trauma and abuse occurs over time; and something will inevitably stir up the “ghosts” of the trauma even though it may have happened years or even decades ago. The best way to deal with it is to remind yourself that the ghosts will come up from time to time and it is how you deal with them that helps you continue to heal.

2) Allow yourself to have your feelings – whatever they are. Many of us find it difficult to “feel” because for so long we have been told that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, for one reason or another. That’s simply untrue. The more you push away your feelings, the stronger they become. If you allow yourself to feel sad, angry, etc., the feelings often subside more quickly and relief will set in earlier. If you become too overwhelmed with your emotions, a therapist can be quite helpful and the use of heart-centered hypnotherapy can be quite effective.

3) Put yourself and your best interest first. While others may want you to think about how “so-and-so” might feel and to sacrifice your own needs, it can actually backfire and cause more angst and emotional stress for you. While you should consider the timing and whether or not it is worth the energy for you in the long run, frequently putting other people’s needs before yours can be a recipe for emotional disaster – especially during the holidays.

4) Spend the holidays with whomever you feel the safest – that goes for everyone. Holidays are to be celebrated. And, unless your idea of celebration is chaos, drama, and pain, avoid setting up scenarios where people are unsafe (physically or emotionally). If you feel unsafe going somewhere to celebrate, then don’t go.

I hope this was helpful and that your friend is able to find healing and health this holiday season.

Pleasant journeys.

Jinnie

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Fame, Pressure, and Suicide

There is a fine line between maintaining one’s mental health and receiving treatment for one’s mental illness.

After MasterChef runner-up Josh Marks recently committed suicide, many wondered if the pressure of being in the spotlight is worth losing your life and how early should one begin seeking professional help.

While there are many more questions than answers, it is agreed that Josh had an amazing gift and his life ended too soon. There seemed to be a number of factors that led to his untimely death, two of which may have been fame and pressure. Based on reports from CNN, it sounds as if the pressure to perform coupled with the perception that fame equaled financial gain led to a ‘mental break.’

Unfortunately, conversations regarding societal pressure and suicide do not occur often enough within our culture even though it is a very real threat for high profile individuals and their families. I applaud Josh’s family for taking up the charge to address the issue of mental health and access in the wake of his untimely death.

WHAT IS A MENTAL BREAK?

For those of you who may be wondering what a mental break is, it’s when someone has reached their emotional or mental limit. As a result, they get overwhelmed and crack under pressure; often doing and saying (or not doing and saying) things that are out of character.

If there is a history of mental illness or dysthymia (depression lasting more than two years) they are at greater risk for breaking under pressure. When there is a history of mental illness or emotional fragility, it is important for an individual to be in counseling; even when they are not experiencing symptoms. In cases such as these, I suggest being effectively engaged with a therapist before signing onto high profile roles such as reality shows, professional sports, leadership, politics, and entertainment.

BUILDING YOUR EMOTIONAL RESILIENCY AND MENTAL HEALTH

While many of us aspire to achieve goals that we, or others, have set for us it is important to remember that in order for us to enjoy our success we must be emotionally and mentally prepared. The following are some tips to help strengthen your emotional resiliency and mental health:

1) Surround yourself with honest and loving family and friends. Negativity can eat you up from the inside out and exact a heavy toll on your emotional and mental well-being. Anyone who is negative should be kept at a distance. Negativity should not be confused with constructive feedback and honesty. It is important to learn the difference between the two.

2) Select a therapist with whom you feel comfortable and see them regularly. Some of the most powerful and successful people have a therapist or confidant with whom they check in to ensure they are maintaining a healthy level of engagement and function. When things are going well, they may check in as little as once or twice a year or as much as three to four times per week if things become hectic.

If you are unable to use insurance, ask if they would be willing to adjust your fee (sliding scale) to accommodate your income. The key here is to be committed to your treatment and attend your sessions.

3) Spend time alone. Meditation is an amazing and powerful tool that everyone can use to calm their mind and connect with who they really are. If you have not tried it, I have created a free 10-minute meditation for professionals that you can download.

4) Keep your intimate circle small. Everyone who smiles in your face is not your friend. While you may have a large number of people who like you and vice verse, maintaining close relationships with all of them can be draining. Keep your circle to 10 good friends and family members. You’ll find that you enjoy their company more and feel more fulfilled.

5) This is your life, you can choose how to live it. People may have good intentions for you and your future; however, it is important that you make sure you are happy and that whatever you are doing is something that you want to do and enjoy.

Suicide is a very real issue for millions of people across the country – rich and poor alike. Please take your mental health seriously. Mental Health America is a good resource if you are looking to access services and learn how to live mentally healthier lives.

Pleasant journeys.

Jinnie

I'm a Survivor of Abuse

READER QUESTION: I was abused as a child and I am paranoid that someone will do the same to my children. I have to rely on child care because I need to work. How can I manage my fear? –Signed, “Don’t Want to Live in the Past”

Jinnie’s Response to Don’t Want to Live in the Past:

Dear Don’t Want to Live in the Past,

You are a survivor of abuse and are not alone. I want to commend you for having the courage to ask for help and the insight to know that something needs to change in order for you to better care for your children. One of my areas of specialty is working with survivors of abuse and trauma. As a survivor myself, I can relate to your experience as can the majority of other survivors; it’s part of the process of healing.

The key to managing your fear is to become more grounded and emotionally calm; especially when it comes to ensuring the safety of your children. Here are four things to consider:

1. When you begin to feel paranoid, acknowledge the feeling. Take a few moments to breathe deeply and then ask yourself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” Try to be specific. When you begin to get clarity on what is stirring you up, then you can better determine if 1) you are responding to a real or perceived threat, or 2) the trauma of the abuse has been stirred up.

2. If you determine that something is afoul – a real threat, trust your instinct and do what is best for your children. Their safety comes first and in those cases it would be appropriate to find alternative care.

3. If you determine that there is not a real or perceived threat, then remind yourself that what you are experiencing is normal and that it take time to heal from any trauma or abuse. You will probably experience emotional tugs for a good portion of your life but they become less intense over time and easier to manage. The good news is, the more your heal from your abuse and trauma, your instinct will serve more as a gift, of sorts.

4. Now, for the hard part. If you find it difficult or are unable to determine if you are being stirred up or if there is a real threat, the trauma may be too overwhelming. In those cases, it is best to find someone to talk with so you can heal; and there are no shortcuts to healing. The more you heal, the better your ability to assess your situation and circumstances.

There are great therapists all over the country and I suggest survivors work with someone who specializes in abuse and trauma. A great resource is www.PsychologyToday.com or obtain a referral from someone you trust.

With Love and Light, I wish you pleasant journeys …

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/moment-of-clarity-im-a-survivor-of-abuse/#ixzz4UGSFZs6F Follow us: @getjetmag on Twitter | GetJetMag on Facebook

Monday, January 2, 2017

Affluenza is Not a Disorder

How to deal with entitlement

As a mother, I was devastated at the verdict in the case of Ethan Couch, a Texas teen, who killed four people while driving drunk. As a clinical psychotherapist, I was appalled that Affluenza (which is NOT recognized by the American Psychiatric Association) was even humorously considered as a legitimate defense. I work with a significant number of ‘affluent’ individuals and families and this is ridiculous.

Affluenza is not a disorder. In sum, my re-framed definition of affluenza is the pressure to be socially accepted, which should have ended shortly after college. These are people who are empty/lack self-esteem and try to feel better by buying things that make them feel alive, special, wanted, or loved. Their sense of entitlement is eerily high and the feeling of empathy and remorse is practically bankrupt. In fact, anything that doesn’t go well for them is typically – wait for it – someone else’s fault.

Lack of self-esteem is hardly a disease; it’s a developmental phenomena that indicates one does not know, has not identified or believe in their own ability or self-worth. These things can be learned and are often taught by our caregivers when we are children through appropriate mirroring, conversation, encouragement, and setting limits (aka discipline).

Now, can one be so damaged that they will never develop self-esteem or the ability to empathize with others? Sure. We call those people psychopaths. With this said, if this kid is indeed suffering from ‘Affluenza’ there are a few sentences that the judge could have chosen to enact justice. Here are a few that comes to mind:

1) Place him with his peers – I believe they can be found in juvenile hall and then later transferred to prison. He will have an opportunity to connect with other like-minded individuals who also felt empty inside and lacked direction. For many of them, part of their emptiness also came from not receiving enough attention, structure, and consequence.

2) Put the parents in jail. I mean – the defense’s case was, ‘It’s the parent's fault,’ no? With all of that money, I’m sure they could have afforded therapy for themselves or their kid once there were problems, right? The unwillingness or inability to do so means they are just as liable for the deaths of the people their minor child killed.

3) “You work it out or you sit there until you do.” I believe that’s called a time out. Let them all share the smallest cell is the darkest corner on the cell block so they can work out their problems the good old fashioned way. Why should four people die because of your normal family “I HATE YOU!” problems? What family in America doesn’t hate each other?

4) Take away their money until they learn how to handle the pressure that comes with it. It is long noted that once a stressor is removed, healing can occur. Once the healing takes place, the stressor may be reintroduced slowly so there is a healthy response to it. This is called behavior modification. This may seem a bit extreme to some people but I redirect your attention to the four dead people that are unable to speak for themselves.

Anyway, this is my take on one of THE most unreal cases, defenses, and verdicts only topped by the Zimmerman outcome this year.

I hope that we all learned how important it is to parent our children and help those parents who are struggling take responsibility for stepping up. Last but not least, I hope we begin having deeper conversations around the importance of mental health – for everyone.

What do you think about Affluenza and this case? Do share in comments below.

Jinnie