High Achiever's Edge: marriage

Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Four Tips That Can Save Your Marriage

In working with couples for over two decades — and having been divorced and remarried myself — very little surprises me when it comes to marital angst. With all of the focus on how many marriages are failing, as much as 50 percent, it’s no wonder why people are hesitant to get married and give up at the first sign of trouble.

Most people understand that couples have their share of marital challenges; it’s par for the course and is how individuals learn to grow. However, in order to grow, couples have to be willing and able to face and work through their challenges and fall back in love.

One of the best ways to learn how to work through marital challenges is to talk with couples that have been happily married for decades or going to couples counseling. While couples counseling is essential in getting through some of the hardest issues like infidelity and communication breakdowns, I actually prefer talking with other couples because it’s more fun and enriching. The benefit of talking with couples who have successfully weathered the marital storms is having access to the stories and lessons that came as a result of their commitment to one another.

In my personal conversations with my elders, I was surprised to find that it wasn’t the family or the institution of marriage that kept them together, it was their love for each other. It was also surprising to learn that being happily married doesn’t mean there aren’t some pretty nasty fights. Nonetheless, they get through them and come out of them stronger than before.

Below are a few tips and words of wisdom that couples, married or not, can use when they reach an impasse or get stuck in the middle of a fight. I suggest you try these techniques first because they’re pretty effective; it’s also what is often used during couples counseling. With that said, working with a professional can be more effective than doing it on your own. In any event, these techniques are good to have in your marital toolbox.

MARITAL TIPS:

1) First fight box. Before the wedding, write a letter to your partner telling them why you love them. (You can even do it if you’re already married.) If you’re having a tough time with remembering, go back to when you met and dated and hold onto the moments that made you smile and feel special. Share those feelings and moments in the letter.

After you’ve written your letter, each of you should seal it in an envelope with your spouse’s name on it, place it in a wooden box with a bottle of wine (or other bottled beverage), and nail it shut at the wedding ceremony (again, you can do this even if you’re already married).

When you have your first fight open the box and each of you take the letter written for you by your spouse. Open the wine, pour yourselves a glass, go to separate rooms, and read your letter. When your feelings of anger or hurt have subsided, come together and talk about what happened and commit yourselves to each other again.

2) Go away. The stress of work and family can take a toll on any marriage. Take some time to be alone as a couple and feel what it is like to be with each other once again. Couples should go on dates at least twice a month and a vacation once a year. If you find yourself to busy to date each other, that’s a red flag. Your priorities are misplaced, which places your marriage at risk of struggling.

3) Appreciate your spouse. Often, we get comfortable in our marriages and presume that our spouses know how we feel. While they may know that we love and appreciate them, it is important that we tell them and acknowledge their efforts. Simply saying “I love you,” “Thank you,” “You look beautiful/handsome,” or even “Good job!” can go a long way to keeping your marriage from going off of a cliff.

4) Choose to stay in love. Marriage is work; in fact, it’s the hardest work many of us will ever do. Staying in love with your spouse isn’t something that just happens, it’s something that is nurtured. What married couples find surprising to learn is that staying in love with one another is a choice. When they choose to stay in love, very little can come between them.

While there are several additional things you can do to fall back in love with your spouse, I’ve found that these are often the easiest and most effective.

The benefits of falling back in love are many: good health, financial stability, emotional support, et cetera. Even with these wonderful benefits many people find one benefit in particular worth the struggles … GREAT SEX!

With love and light, I wish you and your marriage pleasant journeys!

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Short Men Marry Later But for Longer

For men, height has been a physical marker of success as it relates to their masculinity. The association was, the taller the guy, the more successful he was … with women and money.

Generally speaking, that’s true, however new research from NYU sociologists indicate that height doesn’t equate to success in marriage.

Instead, research indicates that tall men are at higher risk to get divorced. Studies show that even though taller men get married early and make more money overall, they also get divorced early; whereas short men tend to get married later in life and stay married longer.

The reason for this quite interesting and I’m unsure if some of you will like it; in sum: tall men marry up and short men marry down. The research indicated that based on, “the perspective of relationship exchange models, this indicates that the tallest men exchange their attractive attribute (height) for better-educated spouses, while short men are unable to do so.”

Hmmm, so apparently short men tend to marry women who are less educated while tall men marry more educated and successful women … who eventually divorce them. The research also found that short men marry later in life after they build up their careers and financial stability to compensate for their height. Shorter men then use their financial stability to balance traditional gender roles within the home.

As if it could not get more interesting, it does. The study also discovered that tall men are more likely to do housework while short men didn’t. Given what was stated before, this discovery makes sense.

The question I have for you is, “Why do you think ‘successful’ and more ‘educated’ women prefer tall men instead of stable shorter men?” It seems that less ‘educated’ and less ‘successful’ women end up in more stable relationships than their more successful counterparts.

Are women to blame because they go for looks and not quality? Sound off below!

Monday, January 2, 2017

Dressing Down My Hubby

READER QUESTION: “Dear Jinnie: My husband and I are not speaking right now. He made a risky financial move I repeatedly warned him wouldn’t work out, but he did it anyway and now we are in the red. When I tried to discuss it with him, he said he is tired of me dressing him down and embarrassing him to the point where he doesn’t even want to communicate with me about important matters. What am I doing wrong? He shouldn’t be mad that I tell him when he’s wrong or point out what could be a dumb mistake. Isn’t that what a marriage is for? Or does he have a point?”– Signed “Truth Hurts”

Dear “Truth Hurts,”

I am sorry to hear about these issues with your spouse. I know it must be difficult to be in a position where you two aren’t even communicating. Without knowing the full extent of the financial issue or seeing the dynamic in person, I’ll do my best to offer some virtual couples counseling. It sounds like you may have bruised his ego, and while you feel justified, this scenario clearly didn’t pan out the way you planned. To speak more generally and help you, plus other women in this situation, here are four factors to consider when interacting with your husband for next time. I also added some coping strategies for good measure:

1) Loyalty is key. Let’s be clear, standing by your man when he is unemployed and looking for a job is different than standing by Jerry Sandusky (may he continue to rot in prison). Loyalty is about being on the same page and going through the good and the bad struggles in order to build something … together.

To improve the connection and loyalty in the relationship, try the following: a) Talk about your dreams; b) Come up with a plan; c) Identify the circumstances that will cause the plan to change.

2) You must always offer support. To put it bluntly, you may have emasculated him in your exchange. Calling him or his actions stupid (even when he does something that falls short of intelligent) isn’t nice and it takes away his confidence – just like it would you. Let him take the lead in those areas that are important to him and respect him as your partner. This is important because you want him to let you take the lead in the things that matter to you, right?

To be more supportive, try the following: a) Let him know when he’s done something well; b) Acknowledge his efforts; c) Reassure him that it will work out and you believe in him, even if that means changing course.

3)You gloated about being right. This goes out to all the ladies out here who have enjoyed that “told ya so” glow. Most of the time you are probably right and the man will know you are right; however, you don’t have to rub it in his face and remind him of it. Your place is as his partner–not his mother or math teacher. If you want to be treated like his partner, then act like one.

Try the following: a) Listen without interruption. Placing your index finger over your lips is a good way to remind yourself to shush; b) Notice your tone of voice. Sometimes, it’s not what you say that makes listening to you difficult, it’s how you say it; c) Ask clarifying questions. The Socratic method is awesome and practically fail proof! Yes, this is practiced faithfully at my beloved alma mater.

4) Let him fail. Men need to try and learn for themselves what worked and what didn’t work. Men are proud and it is important that women don’t take that from them. Now, there is a difference between a healthy sense of pride and narcissism. Healthy pride moves you to try and believe in yourself; however, it also has a fail safe switch that says, “you’re in over your head, get humble and get help!” Narcissism is unhealthy because it says you are right and everyone else should be willing to suffer to make your, often unrealistic, dream a reality. Narcissism has no place in a relationship – period. Know the difference between the two.

For even more education, I recommend a video that Redd Velvet created that offers advice on how to be good to your man. I like her words of wisdom. Watch it below or click here.

I hope you found this helpful and as always wish you pleasant journeys! With love and light …

Jinnie