Emotionally Unavailable

READER QUESTION: I am a successful female executive in a Fortune 1000 company.  I am very attractive, so I’ve been told, and I don’t have any children. I’ve dated men who have fallen in love with me but I don’t seem to feel “love” toward them. Instead, I feel as if I like them, but quite honestly, they bore me.  After a few months I am done and move on to the next guy. I haven’t been abused or anything like that. I grew up in a loving two-parent home in a middle class family.  I don’t know what is wrong with me–could it be that I don’t know how to love? ~Signed, What is Love?

Dear Emotionally Unavailable,

It sounds like you either haven’t met Mr. Right or you’re unable to connect with others at a deep, emotional level, so you can actually experience and give love. The question then becomes, “What is preventing you from connecting with other people in a deeper way?”

Let’s say you’ve ruled out not being into the guys you’ve dated, that leaves you being unable to connect with men emotionally.  When this happens, the first thing that comes to my mind is some form of attachment disorder or alexithymia.

Attachment disorders are disorders that occur after a trauma of sorts is experienced by an individual rendering it difficult to bond appropriately with another person (e.g. Bonding too quickly with strangers or not at all). Alexithymia is a more of an inability to know or describe how you are feeling (e.g. I think I love you, but I might just feel excited; I can’t be sure.). Both pose a problem in developing and maintaining healthy intimate relationships.

In either case, you would be described as “emotionally unavailable” and it is important to explore the reason(s) you’re unable to form an attachment to others.  Again, it could be as simple as you just aren’t into the guys you’ve date (fair enough) or despite what you’ve stated above, something happened when you were younger (usually between birth-6 years old, though it can become progressively worse over time) at an emotional level, that thwarted your emotional development.

This doesn’t mean that you were abused, it simply means that you may have experienced an emotional trauma like rejection, shame, neglect, or something to that effect, and it really stuck with you. For example, some children are hard to soothe and others lack the interaction needed in order to develop an emotional bond with their caregiver.

The best way to get to the bottom of your emotional unavailability is to work with a reputable therapist. Working with a therapist who is seasoned in attachment disorders can help you figure out where things went awry so you can heal and become whole.

If you are a high achiever, you definitely want to work with someone who is familiar with your disposition and can help you navigate the emotional terrain during your journey.

While I could say more about attachment disorders, I want to stay focused on your specific question so as not to get too lengthy and complicated in this post. I hope this was helpful in thinking about your specific situation as you begin to pull the pieces together.

If you would like to do a self-test for alexithymia you can go here or if you would like to do a self-test for attachment disorder you can use this link.

Pleasant Journeys,

Jinnie

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/moment-clarity-emotionally-unavailable/#ixzz4UGkLo7vW 

Husband isn't Interested in Sex

READER QUESTION: My husband and I have not been intimate in five months and I am confident that he is not cheating on me.  He has gained 190 pounds and won’t go to counseling. He just isn’t interested in sex.  What should I do? – Signed, Hot and Bothered

Jinnie’s Response:

Dear Hot and Bothered,

If your husband is not interested in sex – it is easy to understand why you are hot and bothered!  Intimacy is important in many relationships because it allows couples to stay connected at a deep level.  When intimacy or sex stops, something is afoul and signals that there is either a problem within the relationship OR something has grabbed the attention of one or both partners.  Only you two know which ‘problem’ is more accurate for your situation.

Let’s walk through the process of thinking about what type of problem you may be experiencing and how to potentially address it – especially if he doesn’t want to go to counseling.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

I’ll begin with the presumption that you both enjoyed having sex with each other at some point. Take a moment and think back to when that pleasure began to go away – what was happening?  For example, did you two begin arguing a lot? Did he experience a major setback at work? Did a trauma get stirred up?

If you can identify an event(s) that occurred around the time your husband began to withdraw sexually, you can have a conversation around something concrete and specific.  For example, you could say something like, “Honey, we haven’t been intimate like we used to and I really enjoy that part of our relationship.  I noticed things began to change when your mother got divorced and wanted to know if that had anything to do with it.”

I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU ANYMORE

On the other hand, when a spouse doesn’t enjoy the same things they once did, there could be a ton of reasons why.  If you can’t identify an event(s) and find yourself stumped, you may be dealing with one of the following:

1)  He is comfortable in the relationship. When this happens, the spouse doesn’t want to do the same things they used to anymore.

2)  He now experiences intimacy differently. He may need a different type of stimulation or foreplay to get him in the mood – for example, conversation or friendship.

3)  He is depressed. Everyone goes through a slump from time to time – depression in that way, is normal. However, if it lasts six months or more, there is a bigger problem.

If either of these are the case, you would need to have a conversation that focuses on how important it is that both of you have your needs met. For example, you could say something like, “We haven’t been intimate in several months and that is a problem for me because I love that part of our relationship.  I trust that you are faithful – I’m just frustrated.  I am unable to have my physical and emotional needs met and I have no clue how to meet the same needs for you. If you won’t go to counseling, can you please talk with me about what is going on or what we can do to stay connected sexually? Or, if you want, we can talk with someone you feel comfortable with like the pastor.”

DO IT BY YOURSELF!

Once you have decided which approach you are going to take and begun the conversation, he will either talk or back off even more.  If he begins talking – YAY!  If he doesn’t you may have to work through this one on your own, meaning going to couples counseling by yourself.

Yes, you read it right. Beginning couples counseling on one’s own is common. In fact, that is oftentimes the reason your partner or spouse will begin. What did you think I meant when I said, “Do it by yourself?”

Look, you can’t control what other people do, you can only control how you respond.  Going to counseling even if he doesn’t will help you learn how to better understand your relationship, your needs, and YOURSELF.  I’ve had many couples stay together because one of them began counseling alone, and their partner joined later; I’ve also have some couples part because one person left the relationship long before counseling and had no desire to return.

Each relationship is different, dear.  Trust that if you put in the work and set your intention to grow and love fully, things will always work out – one way or the other.

With Love and Light, I wish you pleasant journeys …

Jinnie

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/moment-of-clarity-husband-isnt-interested-in-sex/#ixzz4UGTxjo1s 

Help for Pushy Grandparent

READER QUESTION: My mother always undermines me when it comes to my kids.  They don’t listen to me and have started to disrespect me in public.  What should I do?– Signed, “Tired of the Grandstanding”

Jinnie’s Response to “Tired of Grandstanding” aka how to deal with a pushy grandparent:

Dear Frustrated Parent,

This is a VERY common challenge for many parents. There are several ‘thoughts’ about how you should handle situations like these but in the end, as the parent, it is your call.

Instead of me telling you WHAT to do, it is more helpful for me to walk you through HOW to think about the problem so you can determine what works best for you. In order for this to work, you have to understand a simple and basic rule of human behavior: “The behavior of others that bothers you is the behavior you also do.” Let’s begin!

We’ll start with the easy one first – children. Pick one behavior your child(ren) does that bothers you, for example – ignoring your instruction.  Now that you have identified one behavior, apply the basic rule above.

Using the basic rule, ask yourself the following: Do you ignore your kids when they want to talk to you or express themselves?  If you do, then they are simply behaving the way YOU taught them. Marinate on that one for a minute. The solution here is simple: Model the behavior you want – treat and talk with them the way you want them to behave. If you are consistent, you should begin seeing changes within 30-60 days.

If you don’t then go to the next step, involving your mom.

This will be more difficult, but worth it. Again, apply the basic rule: Have you, at any time, undermined another person or disregarded their role?  The answer to this question is usually, “Yes, but…” Look, there is no need to explain or defend your actions, we have all stepped in and undermined someone for one reason or another. Chances are we stepped in because we “thought” or “felt” what was happening was wrong for one reason or another. This is probably the case for your mother.

The first thing to consider is why your mother may be stepping into your parenting affairs. For example: Is she trying to be a good grandmother and can only feel like a good grandmother if you are a bad mother? Is it hard for her to see her grandchildren get punished? Does she think she knows best? And, so on.  Write down what comes to your mind on a piece of paper.

Then, identify the feeling(s) associated with each reason – do you feel angry, sad, anxious, unworthy, hurt, embarrassed, etc. Now it’s time to talk with her. Before you talk with her, be prepared for her to be defensive and/or caught off guard.  Share with her how you feel when she does specific things that undermine you as a parent. When she talks, it is important that you are open to understanding her experience and point of view or else things will go bad fast.

The conversation won’t be easy and you will probably need to have several smaller ones later, but it will be worth it. At the end of each conversation, let her know that you love her and, together, try to identify one thing each of you can agree to so you can raise your children while supporting each other.

I hope this was helpful … Pleasant Journeys!

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/moment-of-clarity-help-for-pushy-grandparent/#ixzz4UGO7DdYh 

My Boss is a Monster!

Suggestion for how to deal with a difficult boss.

READER QUESTION: My boss makes work a living hell!  He talks to me like I am nothing and then wants me to help him get out of the messes he makes.  One day I was going to punch him in his face for calling me stupid.  Please tell me how to deal with this fool before I get arrested!

Jinnie’s Response to “Don’t Want to Get Arrested”:

To say that you are angry would be an understatement and I can see why – stupid is a loaded word! Nonetheless, whenever it gets to the point of wanting to put our hands on someone, it is definitely time to take a minute, so I am glad you reached out.

The first thing to keep in mind is you can only control you. You may be unable to control what others do, but you can control how you respond. In this situation, one of two things could be happening: 1) You really pissed off your boss and you didn’t get the memo, or 2) Something happened to them and they are projecting how they feel about themselves or another situation onto you.

In either case, you CAN do something about how you respond to the situation. Your response may in turn positively affect how your boss feels about and treats you in the future. Before you begin ‘doing’ anything, take a few minutes to think: When was the last time you and your boss really got along with each other? What was good in the relationship at that time?  Then remember the situation right after that when the relationship changed, what happened?

Those two memories serve as the time frame wherein something happened. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to figure out what “THAT” was.

Now, it is important that you read what I am about to write VERY carefully and answer the question honestly:

Could you have done anything to warrant your boss’ reaction? If you did, you need to own it. Owning your role means you take full responsibility for your behavior without excuse. If you did not do anything, then chances are your boss may be going through a tough time. Either way, both of you need to address the relationship as it stands and figure out how to better deal with challenges moving forward.

Regardless of whether or not you did something that warrants their reaction, you should talk with your boss (use your best judgment regarding your approach). Let your boss know that you notice either a change or a problem in the relationship and you have been thinking about it. Ask if you both could talk about what may have happened between you. This should open the door to a decent conversation.

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/moment-of-clarity-monster-boss/#ixzz4UGK6eRqh 

The Meaning of Your Dreams

I love dreams! So when my family and friends share their dreams with me, I find myself having to control my excitement. My children’s dreams are the BEST and often, are better than television shows with elements of drama, excitement, comedy, suspense, and fear.

After sharing his or her dream, the inevitable question comes up: “What does it mean?”

People have been curious about their dreams from as far back as the Bible. Many believe that dreams are powerful and 

have the ability to forewarn us about the future, help us sort through dilemmas, heal broken hearts, and increase self-awareness. For these, and other reasons, people actively seek out the meanings of their dreams and use the help of their friends, books, and psychotherapy to get to their interpretations.

But how do you know if your interpretation is accurate? The following is the basic Jungian process to interpreting your dreams.

1) Write down your dream right away. As a general practice it is good to keep a journal or pen and paper next to your bedside so you can write down your dream as soon as you wake up. A lot of people will say they don’t remember their dream and that’s okay. Just write down what comes to mind. For example, if you feel scared or confused when you woke up or in the dream, write that down. Start somewhere and see where it takes you. What often happens is that over time, you begin to remember more of your dreams.

2) Focus on one symbol at a time. Pick the symbol or scene that stands out the most and begin there. Afterwards, move to the next symbol and so on.

3) Make associations. This is important and has to be relevant to the dreamer! Books and the interpretations of others can be misleading because the associations have to come from within the dreamer. Also, avoid making associations based on the association before it. Make associations based on the symbol itself and write down whatever comes to mind. For example, let’s take the symbol of a teddy bear. One might make the following associations: soothing, safe, cuddle, toddler, protection from the dark, loneliness, or childhood toy.

4) Connect it to your inner life. Most dreams describe what is going on inside of you, the dreamer. Our dreams either show us how we are integrating our subconscious into our conscious mind or resisting our own inner world. So, ask yourself, “What part of your inner life does this symbol remind me of?” If one stayed with the teddy bear example, he or she may realize that he feels lonely and unsafe. Of course, there are many other possibilities based on what resonates with you.

5) Identify the theme of the dream. If you haven’t done the personal associations, making an interpretation is simply guesswork. When you begin to tie the associations in your mind, you will begin to gain clarity on the meaning. Staying with the example of the teddy bear, one may realize that whenever he or she is alone, they feel insecure and unsafe due to not knowing how to find pleasure in the things typically done with other people.

6) Do something physical. This is the last part of dream analysis. Do something with the interpretation. Once we have an accurate interpretation of our dream, we have to do something with it. This helps to integrate our subconscious and conscious minds so we can become more whole. For example, we may decide to go to the gym alone for an hour once a week. This small act is powerful because it affirms the message of the dream and brings the meaning home. It’s important to understand that you do not have to do anything major like change your life. Just one small act is enough to affirm the dream.

There you have it, how to easily interpret your own dreams! If you are interested in learning more about this fascinating topic, Robert Johnson’s book, Inner Work: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth” is an excellent read.

With love and light, I wish you pleasant journeys!

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna go to www.HighAchiever.net 

Read more on JetMag.com: http://www.jetmag.com/life/moment-of-clarity-life/meaning-dreams/#ixzz4SwRerFkq