High Achiever's Edge

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

An Open Letter to Men Living on the Down Low

As we ate lunch one day, my friend asked me if I would still accept him if he was gay. “Of course, I would. Why … are you?” After the longest silence, he said that he was unsure. He had been with a number of men and found himself enjoying their company and their touch more than he did when he was with women – and he LOVED a lot of women.

I was the only person he told.

He believed that because I was a therapist and worked with people “like him,” I would be more understanding and supportive. What he was unaware of was that I would have supported him and tried to understand his experience because he was my friend — not because I was a therapist.

After we finished our lunch, we hugged and went our separate ways. That night I thought about what he shared with me, and how conflicted and confused he was about his dilemma. Then I thought about all of the men with whom I worked and wanted to share the following with them:

Dear men living on the down low,

I hope this letter finds you well and at peace or moving towards self-acceptance. I may not know your story, but I am familiar with your struggle and pain of living two lives.

Presenting one face publicly and another face in private can be exhausting. Living in a world where keeping secrets and telling lies becomes normal only adds to the confusion — and that confusion becomes normal, too.

Gradually, you begin to wonder about things like if people notice your body gestures and tone of voice changing, if they see you stare at another man the way you would a woman, or about your inability to stay erect when you’re with a woman.

Being GAY is the last thing you want to be. For as long as you could remember, you were supposed to like women — and being gay was something that sent you to hell and ostracized you from the world.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that you are loved. I know that you are afraid to even think about whether or not you are gay, let alone allow yourself to be gay, if that is true for you.

The fear you experience fuels your exhaustion and shame. Fear prevents you from being honest with yourself and others. Fear is the reason you take risks that put you, your health, and the health of your wife or girlfriends in danger.

Psst, hey you … it’s OK if you’re gay and it’s OK if you’re not. It’s not everyone else in the world that you have to face … it’s you. People will always have something to say about what you do so you may as well live in your truth.

And, guess what? When you live your truth, something miraculous happens – you find love and peace.

What is YOUR truth?

Finding your truth isn’t an easy journey. It hurts a lot and you face a lot of demons, but you can do it because you are strong, so very strong. You are not alone and you don’t have to do this alone.

Some people find a seasoned therapist or a ‘light worker’ to help and walk with them on this part of your journey. In case you’re wondering, light workers are very spiritual people who are committed to helping people find peace within themselves. Either way, get a referral from someone you trust or do a lot of homework before you make your decision about who to work with. As the saying goes, it’s easy to let someone in your head, but it’s very hard to get them out.

With love and light, I wish you pleasant and truthful journeys.

Jinnie

Dr. Jinnie Cristerna is a psychotherapist, RoHun Doctor, author, and national mental health expert located in Chicago, IL. Dr. Cristerna works with talented and ambitious individuals, families, and corporations to help them break through and heal psychological roadblocks limiting their success. To learn more about Dr. Cristerna, go to www.HighAchiever.net

Getting Along With Co-Workers

Let’s face it: People can have a hard time getting along with their co-workers for a number of reasons. They could be more intelligent, more attractive, more outgoing or more strategic. They could also be too mean, too loud or too quiet — the list of examples could go on and on.

The bottom line is that sometimes we get along with people and other times, we don’t. So, if you want to take your workplace relationships in a more positive direction and minimize tension, try the following:

1) Smile more. Smiling makes people feel safe and when people feel safe, they’re more likely to open up to you and work things out. It’s also really hard to stay angry with someone who’s likable — and likable people tend to smile more than frown.

2) Talk less, listen more. Employ active listening skills and get people to talk more about what’s important to them. They feel important and cared for when they’re understood. Now, if you come across that one co-worker who talks a bit too long or goes into too much detail about their irritable bowel syndrome, simply smile and say something like, “And, on that note, I need to get back to work.”

3) Present your opinions as questions. For example: Instead of saying, “That won’t work,” try asking, “How do you see that working?” For really aggressive co-workers, try something like, “You seem really committed to this idea/point. Can you help me understand why?” After hearing their reasoning, you can follow up with something like, “I see now why this is so important to you. Would you be willing to consider ‘ABC’ as a possibility if it made sense to you?” Conversations usually take a lighter tone when opinions are presented as questions.

4) Resolve conflicts early and in private. Following the first three points, sit down with the individual in private so there are fewer distractions and more focus. Dealing with conflict early can help avoid misunderstanding and unnecessary tension in the workplace.

5) Stay neutral. While there are times where you will have to take a stand, you want those times to be few and far in between. Whenever office conflicts arise, you want to avoid taking sides, especially when it’s not your battle or war. I find the following mantra to be helpful to say in your mind when working in a high stress, high conflict environment: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

If you find it particularly difficult to get along with your co-workers or tend to have a hard time interacting with others, you may want to consider hiring a coach or therapist to help you — at least in the beginning. Once you get the hang of how to better get along with your co-workers, the need for coaching or support will be minimal or no longer necessary.

How have you dealt with workplace tension and ‘interesting’ co-workers? Do tell in the comments section below!

I hope you found this helpful. Pleasant journeys!

Four Tips That Can Save Your Marriage

In working with couples for over two decades — and having been divorced and remarried myself — very little surprises me when it comes to marital angst. With all of the focus on how many marriages are failing, as much as 50 percent, it’s no wonder why people are hesitant to get married and give up at the first sign of trouble.

Most people understand that couples have their share of marital challenges; it’s par for the course and is how individuals learn to grow. However, in order to grow, couples have to be willing and able to face and work through their challenges and fall back in love.

One of the best ways to learn how to work through marital challenges is to talk with couples that have been happily married for decades or going to couples counseling. While couples counseling is essential in getting through some of the hardest issues like infidelity and communication breakdowns, I actually prefer talking with other couples because it’s more fun and enriching. The benefit of talking with couples who have successfully weathered the marital storms is having access to the stories and lessons that came as a result of their commitment to one another.

In my personal conversations with my elders, I was surprised to find that it wasn’t the family or the institution of marriage that kept them together, it was their love for each other. It was also surprising to learn that being happily married doesn’t mean there aren’t some pretty nasty fights. Nonetheless, they get through them and come out of them stronger than before.

Below are a few tips and words of wisdom that couples, married or not, can use when they reach an impasse or get stuck in the middle of a fight. I suggest you try these techniques first because they’re pretty effective; it’s also what is often used during couples counseling. With that said, working with a professional can be more effective than doing it on your own. In any event, these techniques are good to have in your marital toolbox.

MARITAL TIPS:

1) First fight box. Before the wedding, write a letter to your partner telling them why you love them. (You can even do it if you’re already married.) If you’re having a tough time with remembering, go back to when you met and dated and hold onto the moments that made you smile and feel special. Share those feelings and moments in the letter.

After you’ve written your letter, each of you should seal it in an envelope with your spouse’s name on it, place it in a wooden box with a bottle of wine (or other bottled beverage), and nail it shut at the wedding ceremony (again, you can do this even if you’re already married).

When you have your first fight open the box and each of you take the letter written for you by your spouse. Open the wine, pour yourselves a glass, go to separate rooms, and read your letter. When your feelings of anger or hurt have subsided, come together and talk about what happened and commit yourselves to each other again.

2) Go away. The stress of work and family can take a toll on any marriage. Take some time to be alone as a couple and feel what it is like to be with each other once again. Couples should go on dates at least twice a month and a vacation once a year. If you find yourself to busy to date each other, that’s a red flag. Your priorities are misplaced, which places your marriage at risk of struggling.

3) Appreciate your spouse. Often, we get comfortable in our marriages and presume that our spouses know how we feel. While they may know that we love and appreciate them, it is important that we tell them and acknowledge their efforts. Simply saying “I love you,” “Thank you,” “You look beautiful/handsome,” or even “Good job!” can go a long way to keeping your marriage from going off of a cliff.

4) Choose to stay in love. Marriage is work; in fact, it’s the hardest work many of us will ever do. Staying in love with your spouse isn’t something that just happens, it’s something that is nurtured. What married couples find surprising to learn is that staying in love with one another is a choice. When they choose to stay in love, very little can come between them.

While there are several additional things you can do to fall back in love with your spouse, I’ve found that these are often the easiest and most effective.

The benefits of falling back in love are many: good health, financial stability, emotional support, et cetera. Even with these wonderful benefits many people find one benefit in particular worth the struggles … GREAT SEX!

With love and light, I wish you and your marriage pleasant journeys!

Don't Raise an Entitled Child

In my work with professionals who were raised in poverty and have gone on to make a very good living for themselves, they often face difficulties in parenting their children. More specifically, they are concerned that they may have raised an entitled child.

Many of these parents feel the need to give their children what they did not have when they were growing up and to try to limit the number of obstacles faced during childhood.

Although they have good intentions, parents who try to ease developmental struggles and give their children most of what they want, are really doing their kids a HUGE disservice. In fact, they are setting them up for some major disappointments and setbacks as adults because they now feel entitled.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE ENTITLED?

Essentially, entitlement is the feeling that one deserves to receive something just because they are who they are. They may feel they deserve things like access, items, acknowledgement, or preferential treatment simply because of their profession, financial standing, or reputation.

While some positions like being the President of the United States (POTUS) does come with some privileges, entitlement refers to the underlying tone of the feeling.

For example, President Obama may understand that he has the privilege to jump to the front of the line at a local restaurant, but he still asks if it is okay to do so as opposed to telling someone to move because he’s the POTUS.

WHY SAYING ‘NO’ IS CRUCIAL

I have four children and would love to say ‘yes’ to most of what they want; however, it would be unhealthy. It is important to teach children delayed gratification – how to wait to get what they want. Helping your child understand that they have the ability to obtain what they want by earning or working toward a goal is very empowering.

Entitled children, and adults, are used to instant gratification – getting what they want when they want it – and it is affecting their self-esteem, relationships, jobs, and ability to be rational. When they are unable to get what they want when they want it, they can fall apart and spiral out of control (e.g. tantrums).

As a parent, you want to ensure that your child has the ability to wait for what they want because most things will not come right away. Teaching your child delayed gratification will help them become successful and responsible adults. See the additional benefits of delayed gratification below.

Learning how to wait has several benefits:

1) Regulate emotions such as excitement, disappointment, and anger.

2) Builds anticipation instead of anxiety. That’s why so many kids look forward to Christmas; and tend to act a little better, too!

3) Obtain a deeper appreciation for what you receive.

4) Respect the needs and boundaries of others.

5) Increase motivation and focus

Now, this does not mean that you should always say ‘no.’ It simply means that there should be some balance and reason behind the yeses and no’s.

Tip: As a parent, if you are acting out of guilt or desire to alleviate your own childhood discomfort, you are probably not helping your kid. At that point, it’s about you.

Instead, try to think about it objectively: Does he need it? Did she earn it? Would they appreciate it? Why do they want it? Will they want it is two weeks? The answer to these questions should guide your decision in a more grounded way.

CHORES ARE EMPOWERING

Chores are a natural self-esteem builder. It helps kids appreciate what they have, develop responsibility, and learn humility. You can give children chores beginning at 2 years old – yep, you heard me!

If your kids are busy doing sports, clubs, et cetera and are unable to help around the house, then you have a problem. Chores can be as simple as taking out the garbage every day, making their beds, cleaning the bathroom, and washing dishes certain days of the week. If you need some guidance on age-appropriate chores, visit WebMd.

One of the biggest benefits of giving kids chores is that it teaches them how to take care of themselves. So many kids leave home not knowing how to care for themselves and expect the world to take care of them. Not only is this unhealthy, it is unrealistic. Often times, these are the adults who have a difficult time maintaining relationships and jobs.

I hope you found this to be helpful. If you are looking for an easy, straight to the point read on how to raise children with common sense, you may be interested in my book: “The High Achiever’s Guide to Being a Decent Parent.”

With love and light, pleasant journeys!